By Chuck Groot
Your wedding is supposed to be the most important day in a your life, and yet for many, just getting there in one piece is harder than fitting stilettos on an elephant. Why is it so difficult? The biggest problem is stress and how the interplay of all the different participants at your wedding adds or subtract from that stress. Here are some wedding ideas to have a truly successful and happy wedding.
Scientists use the term HOMEOSTASIS (homeo = the same; stasis = standing) to define the physiological limits within which the body functions efficiently and comfortably. Stress disturbs homeostasis by creating a state of imbalance. The Lord knows how easily some people can cause us imbalance. Well, the secret of all of this is that, if we know how difficult it is to change ourselves, we must then take for granted that we are not going to be able to change others, especially between now and the wedding date. So what can we do to make or create STASISHOMEO "the ability to maintain the same mental condition we enjoy now on the day of your wedding" (LOL)?
The all time stress-o-meter gives the following scores to different stress events in our lives:
Event Stress Score
Death of spouse 100
Marital separation 65
Jail term 63
Death of a close relative 63
Personal injury or illness 53
Marriage / partnership commitment 50
Loss of job 47
Illness in family 44
Sexual problems 39
Change in finances 38
Death of a close friend 37
Change of job 36
Taking out a mortgage or loan 31
Mortgage foreclosure 30
Increased responsibilities 29
Offspring leaves home 29
Fight with in-laws 29
I don't know girls, but I think that a fight with the boss rates right up there with marriage.
The first thing we must do is to be able to recognize stress in others and ourselves. Stress management involves four main tasks:
- Recognize and understand the signs of stress.
- Identify and understand the sources of stress.
- Learn to manage controllable sources of stress.
- Learn to support yourself and cope with stress reactions to
situations beyond your control.
Signs of Stress
Over-stress reactions include a wide range of symptoms: stomach aches, headaches, sleep problems, poor concentration, moodiness, irritability, and racing thoughts. It's important to recognize that these are all signs of stress overload, probably not signs of a more serious condition.
Now that you know all this good stuff, does it help? No! We need some tools and strategies to help you have a Successful Wedding.
1. A great stress reducer is getting in shape for the wedding.
Let's face it; you are going to have a second full time job. Planning and organizing a wedding is a time-consuming and energy zapping experience, not to mention the marathon parties, the family get togethers, and all that glorious shopping. Don't forget, all the marathon parties, food, drinks, cake, drinks, dinners. Did I mention drinks? This sends your body and nervous system for a loop.
What's the best thing to do? Go for a walk. That's right, a nice calm, stress relieving, pound reducing walk. Or if you are so inclined, go to the gym and work out. Aspiring brides and grooms who want to get fit for their perfect day are latching onto a fitness trend where gyms, personal trainers and spas all promise weight loss, toning and a healthy glow in "bridal boot camps." The more energy you use, the more stress you rid yourself of (and it helps to tone your legs and build your cardiovascular system so that you can dance all night long at your reception!)
It is also very important to be eating right and taking time to rest both of which can vastly improve energy levels. Start drinking more water instead of caffeine and sugar-loaded liquids. Reduce salt intake. Caffeine, sugar and salt, cause chemical reactions to your nervous system by making you jumpy, nervous and high-strung, so make sure you watch your consumption of these items. Salt, or sodium, also helps your body retain water, causing that bloating, puffed-up feeling.
2. Secondly, couples have to realize they shouldn't expect "perfection". Expect a "terrific" day and set reasonable expectations.
This actually is considered the number one stress factor - desperately seeking perfection. You must remember what your main goal is, and that is to get married to the one you love the most in the entire world. Setting expectations that are too high will create stress and lead to frustration, and then more stress.
There will be stress, you can count on it. Why? Because there are not only a lot of decisions to be made but also many details to be worked out, and others may want, or try to influence you. Such pressure is not bad or wrong; it just requires that you and your fiancé be aware of what is really happening. Try to respond to issues and avoid reacting to things. It will make a big difference.
Remember, things will go wrong; you are dealing with people and lots of variables. Don't sweat the small stuff; the key is that if something does go wrong only you will know about it. The best way to make sure that things don't go wrong is to plan carefully, track faithfully, and confirm diligently.
*The week before the wedding call all your vendors and check the date, time and location with them to verify the correct details. Give a list of their phone numbers to someone in case any of them don't show up on the day.*
3. Picture your wedding the way you want it, visualize all of your details clearly in your mind, and stay focused on what you want.
Couples are constantly re-defining weddings. They seem to place more importance on their wedding being a celebration of individual love than on fussiness, formalities or old-fashioned, outdated etiquette. They are celebrating who they are, right now.
Remember, if you fail to dream, you will live your nightmare, so figure out what it is you want and go for it. With this mental image, you can list down all the details, and one by one, when you have either completed them or delegated them to someone you trust to make sure that they get done the way you want them to be done, you can check them off. Having this list is a huge stress buster and it helps you sleep at night. Another secret for a good night's sleep is to have a notebook beside your bed, and every time you wake up thinking that there is something you think you missed, write it down.
Often simplicity in a wedding ceremony is much more beautiful than having too much. This helps keep stress levels down as well. You can also create a great wedding website at [http://www.22wed.com] where you can keep everybody informed about what is happening and that will help keep you focused.
4. Time is always another stressful factor.
Another great stress reducer and wedding success maker is time management. Couples who begin planning early and pace themselves should be able to avoid last minute chaos. The old saying, "An hour late and a dollar short" could never be more applicable than for a wedding. Give yourself as much time as possible to dream about your wedding, write down all your goals (things you need to do), budget for each area, and give yourself time for a breather. Below you will find a basic wedding planner with guidelines as to what you might need to do and when it would be appropriate to get done.
Speaking of a breather, while planning your wedding you may have found that it has essentially taken over your life. You need to reclaim your life, even if it is only for a day or for a few hours, and take some time to yourself. Make time to connect with your partner and spend positive time together.
What is it you used to do before all of this planning? Do you like to read? Do you enjoy gardening? How about going for walks? Whatever it is that you may have let slip or sacrificed for the greater good, you need to take that time to yourself and your loved one and enjoy the relaxation that comes with doing something that you enjoy.
Learning to delegate is vital, especially the day of the wedding. Put someone else in charge of paying the vendors, moving the guest book from the ceremony to the reception site, double-checking with the caterers, or any other small task. Read through your list and assign everything! Hey, it's your day - enjoy it!!!
5. Relationships themselves, between the bride and groom, can be stressful and can become even more stressful prior to the marriage.
Back on the stress-o-meter, we see that getting married in itself is a very stressful change in a person's life. When we further add to that: late nights, changes in eating habits, changes in drinking habits, fear of all kinds (failure, things going wrong, anxiety attacks, tripping down the aisle, etc), we see that things can get out of perspective with the one we love.
As the old song says, "You always hurt the one you Love", and there are other relationships other than the one with your fiancé': those between the bride and her family, her sisters, her bridesmaids, the groom and his friends and family. The "relationships" I'm speaking of, are everywhere and not limited to the relationship between the bride and groom.
Take some time to reconnect with your closest friends. Try not to talk too much about your planning, but realize that it is a part of your life right now and your friends probably are interested. However, they also want you to be interested in their lives, so don't forget to ask them questions and turn the attention towards them, too.
To get away from centering on ourselves, we need to do something for someone else. You will be surprised how good (and relaxed) you will feel by making someone else feel good. Cook a friend dinner, serve a meal at your local soup kitchen, baby-sit for a couple who could use a break, take your niece or nephew out for an ice cream cone...there are so many things you can do for so many people - give it a try and see how good you feel!
Another really important aspect to remember is that there are always some people (relatives or friends) who know how to "push your buttons". When you are feeling very stressed... be sure to stay away from or at least limit your time with these people. I know it's hard, but force yourself to - it will pay dividends in the long run.
Speaking about being hard - JUST SAY NO! Now is not the time to be a people-pleaser. There may be many people around you who want to have their say about how your wedding should be arranged. Nevertheless, this is your day, and while you will want to accommodate others' views, much stress can be avoided if you start as you mean to go on, clearly asserting your wishes and plans wherever possible, and not encouraging suggestions that you know will eventually be turned down. Being honest is the best policy all round.
That point brings me to the topic of arguing. Where weddings are concerned, the emotionally tense environment can lead people to make mountains out of molehills. How spoons and forks are placed on tables may never have mattered before, but they may become a hot topic of debate between parents and the bride/groom-to-be.
Try to avoid arguing over petty things. Remember that it's better to have a simpler wedding and that in the end; it's not the minute details of your wedding that will really make your marriage or your relationship with your family members successful.
Finally, remember the intention behind the tension. Why is your mother insisting you wear that horrid dress on your wedding day? Why is your father insisting on getting to the hall on the day of the wedding by taking the most complicated route?
It's not because they're your worst enemies. Their reasons are that they love you and want what's the best for you. Reminding yourself of the intention behind the source of conflict will help you realize that while you are getting stressed over the disagreements over certain issues pertaining to the wedding, behind that disagreement there is love and concern. Your families, especially your parents, want what's best for you and that concern is what is motivating them.
6. Money issues also frequently come up and create stressful situations.
Don't forget to budget! Since money is such an easy thing to fight about, make sure you sit down at the beginning of the process, agree on how much money you're going to spend, and stick to it! I know, I know, budget is as close to a four-letter word as you can get, but it also can bring you closer to those you love. If everyone is on the same page and in agreement, everything will go much more smoothly.
Grooms might find themselves more concerned about, or "stressed out" about money. Subconsciously, rightly or wrongly, men often will have the concept that they will have to take care of the women, and that includes financially taking care of them. Money and financial issues are almost always stress-inducing, and it doesn't necessarily matter how much money someone has! Whether you are a bride or a groom, a wedding is a time where all kinds of stress can manifest itself. So do not dodge this bullet. Meet it head on and openly discuss each and every detail of the wedding with those who are financially responsible so that you can arrive at a consensus.
7. Venus and Mars Stress (taken from the pop-psychology of John Grey)
Are you and your fiancé arguing more than normal? Realize that this friction is normal because you are spending more time on wedding planning versus spending time on your relationship. Not always, but usually, guys look at the big picture and gals look at specifics, so take this difference into account when you are planning and expecting things from each other. Naturally, we are going to approach things from different angles and perspectives. Use this to your best advantage; work with your strengths and try not to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Above all, brides and grooms need to respect each other and each other's uniqueness. Individually, they should be aware of their thresholds for stress, and how much stress they can handle in a given time period. Remember: words said in explosive or high stress situations cannot be taken back once they are said. If you're feeling stressed out...Stop, Relax, Listen, and Communicate with each other. Look around you to see what is REALLY happening. Respond to situations and issues and avoid knee-jerk reactions.
That's why it is so important to take time away from wedding planning and spend time with each other. A romantic dinner, a bike ride -- whatever you both like to do together. (Just don't discuss the wedding plans!)
Girls, if your guy is being rather quiet or distant, don't take this personally. He is just crawling into his cave for a bit to get centered again - let him. Let him deal with whatever he needs to deal with and know that he will eventually come out again for a breathe of fresh air, and he will be his usual loving self again.
Guys, your beautiful bride-to-be is working overtime to make this a super special day for the two of you. If you feel left out or that you are not getting enough attention, don't mope or whine - talk to her. Let her know your feelings and ask if there is anything that you can do to help her, and mean it. When her voice gets a little high-pitched or she becomes short-tempered and shrill, just go with the flow - this too will pass. Give her a big hug and take her out for dinner and dancing, and she will be back to her usual loving, caring, and considerate self in no time. Remember the five most important words ever "What ever you want honey". Or the four most important words, "I will do that." Or the three most important words, " I Love you." Or the two most important words, " Yes dear." The most important word, "O.K."
8. Many brides fear that they will forget something important.
One way to handle stress is to stay organized while planning. Writing everything down in a special wedding notebook is a good idea.
Take a few moments each day, preferably at night before going to sleep, and do breathing exercises. Then go over your list with your mate and see if there is anything that you forgot. Check off things that are done, and then mentally redo the list as if it has never been done at all to see if there was an item that you missed. This is a great way to include your fiancé in the details so that he will feel part of things.
9. Do a practice run
Go hear your intended DJ in action, or at least, get three recommendations and talk to them about his/her work.
Why is music such an important part of a wedding? It creates an atmosphere that fulfills the dreams of the bride, groom and their families. "Many brides dream of the perfect wedding, and most 'hear' certain music in the background. We help to create the desired atmosphere, while coordinating the event to make sure it's a success, Because every wedding is unique, it's important to select a DJ that has a good variety of music.
Have a meal where you intend to have your reception.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to create the affair of your dreams, long after everything is said and done, people always remember the food. It would be wise to go once or twice times to see if the quality is consistent or, as previously mentioned, to talk to at least three other couples who have had their reception at the same venue.
At least four to six months in advance, have your portraits taken by the photographer who is going to photograph your wedding.
Your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life and you want to remember it with all of its beauty. That being said, your portraits are one of the very few things that will last forever. The relationship you have with your photographer is critical: it is very hard to capture fabulous photographs when you don't get along with the photographer or that his/her style doesn't match yours. Make sure that you get together with the photographer several time before the wedding and have a clear understanding of what the expectations are. Create a list of all the photographs that are really important to you. Create a list of all the people that you really want to have a special portrait with because the photographer can't read minds. The photographer hasn't a clue that Aunt Grisellda from Upper Podunk is your favourite aunt. You need to let them know.
10. GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND WISDOM ALWAYS TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE - In other words, Don't Worry Be Happy.
The biggest secret to a successful wedding is to not worry yourself to death, enjoy the day, and enjoy the moment because it will not come again.
Think it through. Go ahead and fret a little. It's better than trying to suppress all the anxiety. The more you try to suppress unwanted thoughts, the more likely you are to become obsessed with them. That's particularly true when you're under a lot of pressure, stress or mental overload. So just when you're trying to avoid unhappy thoughts, you'll actually get sadder than if you'd confront those unhappy thoughts head-on. Ninety-nine percent of what we worry about never happens. Feel the fear, that's part of being human. Regardless, go out and do things anyway, knowing that most of your fears are unfounded.
Take your time. It's one thing to think about your problems. It's another to let them dominate your thoughts. Don't let people pressure you into making a decision you don't want to make. If there are things about your wedding that are worrying you, focus on your worry for thirty minutes, and try to think of solutions to the problem. Research on chronic worriers shows that if they spend time at night actively worrying about their problems, the degree of worrying in their lives goes down overall
Write a new ending. People who worry can be amazingly creative. They turn any harmless scenario into a disaster by imagining the worst. Try putting that creativity to good use by turning your fears into fantasies. If you worry about tripping while you go down the aisle and falling into a candle destroying your hair-do because the veil exploded in fire, try picturing yourself being light as air and, to the amazement of all your guests, floating down the aisle while a chorus of angels sings "You are the Wind Beneath My Wings". (How's that for "lightening up"!)
Tally your troubles. List all your worries. Are you afraid that it's going to rain on the day of the wedding? You can't control the weather, so file it under the heading "Beyond My Skills." Do you worry that other people find you unattractive, even when you really know you're not? That goes on the "Creative Fiction" list.
What's the sense of worrying about things in these categories? There isn't any. Why worry about the weather? Why worry about things that aren't true? Once you expose these thoughts as worthless worries, it's easier to dismiss them.
Take action. Some worries are more legitimate. Are you concerned about your health? Well, list all the things you could do to improve things. Maybe you could start walking every day, or eat better. Then decide which items on the list you're going to do. The secret is doing, doing, doing. When you're actively working on a solution, worry is less likely to be a problem, and you'll begin to feel as if you're the designer of your life, not a victim of it.
Be a willing participant and creator of your wedding - HAVE FUN!!!
One way to let all your friends and family enjoy the planning process is to have a personal website that allows interaction and a diary up to and including the wedding day. This idea is particularly useful if you have family or friends who are out of town and can't attend the wedding. A great website to check out would be www.22wed.com.
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